Ask Olive (continued)

Lothar Von L. of Novato, CA asks:

Olive,
North Korea has been in the news lately. Is bilateral diplomatic cooperation still possible at this point, or is it all a pipedream? And how does China fit into the picture? Also, your thoughts on other rogue states with nuclear capability would be greatly appreciated.

I've been watching a lot of news while my parents sleep (bet they didn't even know it!) and have formed a few opinions on the matter...

As we all know, North Korea with pompadour-toting Kim Jong Il at its helm, has been moving rapidly toward producing an arsenal of nuclear weapons, while insisting on bilateral negotiations with Washington; the often-incoherent response of a chronically divided administration has ranged between passivity and insistence on a multilateral solution. The new Chinese government of Hu Jintao deserves credit for breaking a sort of deadlock by offering to join in on the discussion between the US and North Korea — thereby providing a multilateral patina — and by using its considerable economic leverage to gain North Korea's assent... Yet any chance for agreement, and an end to the grave threat North Korea poses, will certainly depend on the willingness of all three parties to make hard choices they have avoided so far.

What it boils down to is that the most important decision lies with Kim Jong Il. He finally must resolve whether to try to save his screwed-up regime by moving his country toward the civilized world or by arming himself with nuclear weapons. Let's hope he decides well.

As for other rogue states with nuclear capabilities, that's a tough call. Adopting a policy of attacking each and every country with nuclear weapons would be insanity — and would likely start another arms race, not to mention causing a huge death toll. It is my hope that such countries can be dealt with in the normal ways of international relations; I don't think they merit the billions being spend on a high tech military solution. We should also consider that perhaps a greater danger are those nuclear weapon states which are not demonized as rogues. There is more danger of a nuclear war, which could involve others, between India and Pakistan than anywhere else, from what I understand.

I could go on and on. I hope that answers your question. I need to get back to more dog-like things such as chewing on stuffed animals.

Lothar's response:

This is actually a reply to your thoughtful response to my question. Thank you. You are a good dog and very smart. Too many dogs today view international relations with the same oversimplified viewpoint of: "Make doo-doo on their lawn." Indeed! If there were more dogs like you running the world (instead of chimps) the world would be a much better place. THANK YOU!

Stuart Pin of Quincy, MA asks:

Hey there ho there Olive.
Wow — you sure are hot. I must ask, have you ever tried a Greenie? Really, you should push your parents to go out and get you a few, cause they are deeelicious! I myself like to knaw on one in the living room and warn all alligators to stay away with a good old fashioned bark bark yip yip bark. Maybe sometime we can... share a few Greenies, eh?

Oh yes, Greenies rule! Mummie and Daddy get them for me at a super-cheap price from PetEdge.com. I sure do love Greenies, so yes: I think it'd be great if we shared a few some time!

Alaina S. of San Francisco, CA asks:

Olive, how do you feel about your owner's past of being a cat lover? Do you express any type of jealousy that her best friend used to be a cat? Also how do you really feel about the doggie cam?

First of all, what "doggie cam?" I don't know anything about any doggie cam. I hope you're not implying that my parents would have a web cam set up to watch me all day. That would be an invasion of doggy privacy! As for the "mummie was a cat lover" stuff, I'm cool with it... Just as long as I'm never replaced by a cat.

Fuzzy Jesus of Mansfield, IL asks:

I'm a catman who prefers hanging out with the dogs, even though my pal Brie empties my water bowl in two gulps whenever she comes over. My Heather isn't home enough to have a dog, since dogs won't use litter boxes (why not?), so she keeps asking if I want a kitten. She says I'm too fat and need a pal to romp with when she's out. What should I do?

Hypnotize her! (You cats can do weirdo stuff like that, right?) While she's under your cat spell, tell her to get you a dog playfriend. While she's out doing that, also have her go to the costume store where she will buy a cat costume. Because you won't be able to keep her hypnotized all the time, you can then use the cat costume to make the dog look like a cat. So when she awakens from your spell, she'll think she got you a cat friend... But you will have fooled her! A diabolical plan, no?

Dexter C. of San Francisco, CA asks:

I'm a cat, but I prefer to wear a dog collar. My shrink thinks I may have issues. But I'm like, hey man, I'm from San Francisco. So babydoll, I was wondering, what do you think of cats? as friends? dating? Prrrrmeow!!!

Believe it or not, I've never met a cat. I think I saw one once during a walk around the neighborhood, but I thought it was a big squirrel or a funny looking dog, so I just barked at it. But maybe you and I should meet sometime. It's possible that I'd really like ya — but then again, I might also try to eat you. Are you willing to take that risk?

Jillian P. of Edinburgh, Scotland asks:

Dear Olive,
we're bringing a little puppy home this weekend — we're calling him Max. In fact, if your mummy is my cousin then that will make him your second cousin! Have you any tips on how to make him feel at home and take his mind off missing his doggy mummy, brother and 8 sisters??
P.S. when did you learn to read and use a computer — I'm very impressed! I hope Max will be as intelligent as his second cousin.

Poor Max will surely miss his doggy family, but fear not: I'm sure you will show him enough love to feel right at home in his new surroundings. Just give him lots and lots of hugs and belly rubs, and he'll know that he's got a new family that cares for him greatly.

As for my computer skills, one day I just gave it a shot and discovered that I'm a natural computer whiz! Ol1v3 r0x0r5!

Ricardo H. of Cranston, RI asks:

I'm not from Providence and I like to keep in touch with my friends from other cities. Olive, do you keep in touch with any of the dogs from the old days on the Armory?

Ah yes, back in the day when I was a bitch in the hood. Those days were interesting days, that's for sure. No, I'm afraid I don't keep in touch with any of my ghetto dogs. Some bad stuff went down when I lived out there. Not only was I scraping up garbage scraps just to stay alive, but a lot of other trying stuff went on that I'd just as soon forget. I'm still Olive from the Block at heart, but I've got a more refined, sophisticated taste now.

Deborah D. of Providence, RI (formerly of San Francisco, Olive's mum's hometown) asks:

I know you originally hail from the Armory District, where I live with Earl and Frances, so I feel as though we are kindred spirits. I must know... how do you stay so fit and trim? Earl is actually packing on the lbs, and would love to know.

A small meal of Nutro dry food mixed with a bit of Wellness wet food in the morning, the same at night, and a few treats hear and there. Mix that with some great genes and you'll be thin like me! Unless, of course, you're a big ol' labrador, in which case I'm not sure what to tell you. I really think it's the Ibizan Hound genes that keep me so slim.

Sake P. of Boston, MA asks:

Olive,
Hi. I actually have a word of advice for you. Being 11 and having been "potty trained" (what a humiliating, typically human term) for most of my life, I would like to suggest something: peeing in the house will get you nowhere. BUT, preventing yourself from peeing in the house wins you gold stars forever. My pet (or "Mom" as the humans like to call her) STILL brags about how I can hold it. So, work on that pissing issue, alright?
Call me the illest diva,
sake

Hey, it's not like I pee in the house all that often. I only do it once in a while — and I'm quite good at doing it at random times so Mummie and Daddy don't know when to expect it. I suppose I can work on it, though. Thanks for the words of wisdom, Sake.

Owner of Many Critters of "risdee" asks:

Olive, you sound like such a smart dog. Can you tell me why, no matter what we (Mom and Dad) do, we can't get our boy dog (he has a bigger sister, and smaller sister, a sister cat and two brother cats) to understand that he doesn't need to mark all the verticals in our new, bright and shiny (well used to be) house? I tell him he's not the dominant one and make him roll over on his back all the time.... Help us, Olive. We could be such a happy family. Oh, and also, can you tell us why he likes to eat out of the litter box and when there is any throw up... well, you don't need me to go into that!

Yes, you've got that right. I am a smart dog. But I'm not so sure I can help you all that much with your problem. I think what he's doing is actually pretty funny. In fact, you're giving me some ideas. Marking verticals, eh? Hmmm...

Eating stuff out of the litter box, though... I'm not so sure about that one. Sounds kinda yucky to me. Sniffing the kitty poo is one thing — but eating it? That's just gross. You should tell him that I think he should stop eating kitty litter and that it's a nasty habit. See if that helps.

Mable Sage O. of Brooklyn, NY asks:

So Olive my love, I know you're all barky with other dogs (which is just my form of communication to the sissy dogs), but I had no idea you yapped at the joggers too. We have soooo much in common. Hey, have you ever jumped on a jogger? I'm such the punk that I actually tried to jump on a little kid coming towards me? How do we restrain ourselves? Are we wrong to get excited? Do I really need that bad girl sweater that mommy's dogfriend Applejack wears?...it's black and has a giant skull. We're so bad...Let's start a club. Wish you were in Brooklyn; We have a crew of us at the park during offleash dog hours...we get dirty looks and all because we're loud and obnoxious. Oh yeah, it's ask Olive and I'm talking all about me; it's so typical of me though... Mable Mable Mable.

Yes, let's start a tough dogs club! My parents were talking about obedience classes tonight, but that's really not my style. I LIKE barking at everything outside. If I bark first, they can't intimidate me, ya know? But I have a feeling I'm going to be put in a class anyway. Darn it!

And speaking of cool skull shirts, Mummie and Daddy might be getting me a baby-sized Misfits skull t-shirt that they saw at Newbury Comics. How cool would that be?!

Kate J. of Providence, RI asks:

I imagine you have a rather busy day, what with being a dog and all. What's a day like for you? How do you find time for the simple pleasures, like lapping water and shoving your nose into the crotch of any unsuspecting guests?

Busy day, indeed. It's not easy to get everything done when you require 18+ hours of sleep daily. My day begins at 6:12am, when a loud beep (that dad quickly silences) wakes me up. Dad then takes me outside where I run around frantically, looking for a good place to mark my territory. After returning inside, I sniff the food that's been prepared for me and decide whether or not I'll eat it, then go back to sleep, waking up from time-to-time to stretch or say goodbye to mummie and daddy as they leave the house. More sleep, with the occasional toy chewing and water lapping for another 8 hours or so. Outside again for more peeing and such, eat some more food, chew some more toys... And then I sleep some more. At 10:30pm, I take one more healthy jaunt around then neighborhood and then (you guessed it) more sleep. It's a very tiring schedule.

Pete G. of Chicopee, MA asks:

Olive, do you ever stop sleeping?

Only long enough to dance with you, Mr. Pete.